the beautiful mess of inexactness and unaccountability

(note: if you're short on time, just read the bold parts)

the computer scientist and mathematician in me often cause me to think about how to make commonplace situations the most efficient and beneficial for everyone. for example, situations such as:

• boarding an airplane -- how to board everyone the quickest w/ minimum hassle
• waiting in lines at a store
• boston's subway -- how to decide how many subway trains to have, where to place them, and how often to run
• placement of products within department stores like target

these types of things naturally cross my mind as i encounter them. yet, lately, i've come to not only accept the fact that the world at large is a massive NP-complete, inexact, sub-optimal system, but that it's often best this way.

for example, while at mike's pastries recently (my favorites there are the chocolate covered ricotta cannoli and german chocolate brownie!), i was thinking about how horribly disorganized that place is: basically, there's one line that forms outside, but once inside the store, there are no lines. you merely force your way up to any of the surrounding glass counters and compete for the attention of a nearby cashier. oh, and they only accept cash.

i've been to mike's pasties tons of times, yet it's always exciting and enjoyable -- even if it does have a huge touristy vibe. while thinking about how long this place has been famous, and how well their system works for them, it then hit me: the seemingly horrible time-inefficiency of their system actually isn't too bad. moreover, their inefficiency actually benefits them and is a vital part of their success! see, the chaotic nature of their store helps facilitate the exciting vibe of being there. if the lines were streamlined and branched off smoothly to cashiers, then the place would be typical. it wouldn't be as fun. this chaotic fun helps make the whole experience better, and probably even influences our perception of how good the food tastes.

lesson learned: what may be seem like an objective benefit to people may not actually be what's best; sometimes the sub-optimal solution is incidentally optimal.

as for unaccountability, lately i've witnessed two tragic events:

• a man die by plummeting down a gigantic waterfall (see recent post)
• a police raid; unseen to me, police shot a man 10-12 times. the victim merely had a water gun.

the waterfall incident went almost unnoticed. i saw the man fall, and the ~4 nearby people heard my screams and participated in the search. minutes later, hikers entering the trail had no idea what had just happened. it was only the next morning that officials found the victim's body. the incident only received a few sentences on local news sites, and the news was wrongly report too -- for they stated that he had fallen into the river. i would have thought that the park would have been encouraged to post more warnings about the dangers of going beyond the railings, and would have possibly constructed a plague dedication to the victim. nope. it was merely wrongly reported and probably only listed as a park statistic at best.

it baffled me how easily such an important thing like one's life can fail to garner proper action. i realize everyone's short on time, and that there are only a limited amount of resources for everything. yet, i'm constantly amazed and constantly realizing how limited these things actually are, and what's realistic to expect. this isn't some depressing message; it's just my coming to understand the inexactness and imperfections that occur in the world -- that not everything's ideal. of course.

as for the police raid incident, my friend brian and i witnessed ~20 cop cars come to one's home. the police constructed battering rams, kevlar shields, and gigantic guns as they prepared to invade this peron's house. we didn't really know what we were witnessing. days later, i looked online and found essentially no information reported. like the waterfall death, it was merely a 3-sentence blurb stating nothing beyond what we already knew. days later, i looked online again and found a slightly more detailed story: the victim apparently only possessed a water gun, and police supposedly didn't provide the man a chance to cooperate; police merely came in and used him as target practice. victim had 20 holes in him, mostly from gun shots.

what's the consequence? i don't know. i assume the victim's family will try to take to court some of the police, or maybe some policeman might be fired, but i don't know. it's just crazy to think of how large a mistake can be made without proper consequence/punishment/justice -- both justice in the form of police being punished and justice with respect to the story getting recognition in the news. i'm sure it's impossible for this to happen ideally. there are way too many people in the world, and there's no way every death can receive news coverage for everyone who cares. people die all the time, and the world is constantly fighting for everyone's attention. our attention is very very valuable and expensive, apparent by ubiquitous ads and just the nature of our very fast-paced lifestyles.

it's just weird to first-hand witness a life perish, possibly illegally, and for there to be so little accountability. oh yea, i was supposed to talk about accountability. basically, it's alarming, and for the same reasons that i've already said. there's so much going on, and there'll never be enough resources (time, energy, care, money, etc) that can properly do justice to everything. that's impossible and too expensive.

i don't mean for this entry to read as a depressing message. it's merely a reminder and a lesson that our world is imperfect, and that it takes a lot of very special effort, time, and care to make something the way you want it... and that for everything you do see, it's often the product of a lot of care and deliberation. thus, we shouldn't take things for granted. from streets being cleaned to newspapers being delivered, it takes a lot to get something done.

basically, we live in a beautiful mess. we should remember this and be more grateful for the things that do work.

my car gets more character, and by character i mean ghetto

(note: if you are viewing this in facebook, the 4 images may not appear. click refresh until they do, or visit the original source: http://omggetthis.blogspot.com)

i've never placed much stock in any car i've had. my old '88 honda accord was quite amazingly ghetto/enjoyable though. it had a leaking sunroof which would sometimes pour in tons of rain after driving it for the 1st time after a big rain. sometimes it wouldn't. it was always a surprise. it had other quirks too, of which i'll spare you.

my current car is a '99 nissan altima, and we've been building a relationship for 3 years now. here it is, street-parked next to my boston apartment (this is 1 of 2 times in months that i havent had to parallel park):

most notable are our following adventures: (1) 50 hours of fall foliage driving; (2) driving from boston to atlanta and back, while almost dying in a multi-hour snow storm w/ no windshield wipers -- forcing me to drive on highway w/ head out the window; (3) car broken into twice...

and now, the latest addition:

the trunk release broke many months ago. my trunk key has never worked. so, i've had no access to the trunk for months. i fiddled around w/ it and learned how the trunk works.

if you slide this metal piece towards the right, the trunk will open.

i tied string around the sharp metal, while adding padding to prevent the string from unraveling.

i ran the string along the base of the trunk, bended it through a loop, then ran it through the back seats towards the front of the car. now, if you pull the string towards the front of the car, the trunk will open.

here i am in the driver's seat, turned towards the back.

it's nothing complicated; i just think it's kind of a funny system.

witnessing the tragic waterfall death of Wilfred Chalut

note: if you are viewing this in facebook, the content/pics/vid may look wrong. instead, please view the original post here.

my dad does self-employed woodworking for a living and has essentially never taken a day off in the last 30 years. so, i flew him up to boston for the first weekend of october. at that time, fall foliage is the best in the nation in nearby new hampshire and vermont. i chauffeured us around for 25 hours during those 3 days, with the intent of enjoying the foliage and 8 waterfalls.

the route:

the first day included torrential rain ALL day long, due to a nearby tropical storm. in fact, local rain records were set, yet we ventured on anyway:

the country roads were pretty empty, especially as we entered the white mountains -- no cell phone reception anywhere. when we pulled over to enter the occasional scenic areas, we'd encounter other photographers and nature lovers. as with any shared activity, there was a certain happy feeling and sense of camaraderie that aired during these hot spots. it provided a nice break from the sparse highway roads and heavy rains. everyone was polite and somewhat talkative.

the rain finally dwindled to a sprinkle as my dad and i entered the tiny gravel lot for sabbaday falls. the trail to the waterfall was only .3 miles, and it was clearly marked with nearby wooden guard rails. the waterfall we were about to see starts w/ a 8 foot drop into a smaller pool, which has a 20 foot drop, then finishes with a 12 foot drop. normally, it's pretty tranquil. today, it's anything but, for the rain has made it unlike any waterfall i had ever seen. it literally poured probably hundreds of gallons per second.

as soon as my dad and i get view of the waterfall, i'm taken aback by its force. immediately, i look way up towards the top of the waterfall and see someone slip off of a rock and land right into the waterfall! it happened so fast, and he was facing me as he fell. i immediately scream, "Dad, someone just fell in!!" for a split second, my dad and i see the guy's head bob up in the pool that is 8 feet below. the water rushes hard, and we frantically keep an eye out. there were only ~5 other people out here near the gigantic waterfall, and we were spread out all over. i vividly remember two older women near me frantically scream as they grabbed the sides of their face.

my dad and i looked near the base of the waterfall, as did the others. we didn't see him, so we sprinted up the trail towards the head of the waterfall -- where the guy had fallen. we had all spread out very well. it was a huge panic, and communication was impossible -- due to how far things were and the loudness of the waterfall. my dad and i stayed at the head, but we saw no sign. we were convinced he was still trapped under some rock, either at the middle pool where we had seen him, or at the very bottom pool which received a constant whirlpool of water.

after a few minutes, we ran down to see the others. couldn't find any of the originals, but some new person informed us that people ran out to get cell phone reception to call 911. we had full reason to believe that NOBODY had found him yet. so, my dad and i race back to the waterfall and continue to look. we were the only ones around. after 15 more minutes, my dad and i accept the sad reality that there's no way he is still alive; just a few seconds under the water is enough to kill anyone. in fact, just the 40 foot fall on the rocks could easily kill anyone.

as we headed down, we found it very odd that not a single person had entered the waterfall in all of these 30 minutes. we discussed how ambulances must be at the beginning of the trail, and that they were preventing new people from entering. we were wrong. when we reached the parking lot, we saw new vans of families excitedly about to venture to the falls. not only were they clueless, but it appeared that NOBODY was aware of the situation. not a single person who witnessed it was around. where did they go? what happened? there appeared to be no resolution. there was merely the tragic event that took place, and nobody could be done, and nothing was done.

as we drove away, we saw the original 5 people across the road. we all talked. turns out, they had sadly seen him float downstream, which my dad and i somehow must have briefly missed. they said it was clear that the victim died instantly. they had tried to run downstream to keep up w/ the body, but it was often hard to keep track of it. the emergency crew finally found his body by 9:45 am the next morning.

the 64-year old victim was named Wilfred Chalut. he had walked over the guard rails to stand on a rock that neighbored the very top of the waterfall. i believe i saw a camera in his hand as he fell, and this would be a probable reason for his attempt to get so close. it was reported that his wife and daughter didn't see him as he fell, but had heard someone scream that someone fell in. it's very possibly that they had heard me, and that they were the two women who i saw exclaim.

here's a sad video of sabbaday waterfalls after we had given up hope for being able to rescue him:

it was wrongly reported in the news that he had merely fallen into the river. many news sites then copied this wrong info. for example:

http://www.fox17online.com/news/fox17-hudsonville-hiker-dies,0,1913348.story

http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2010/10/hudsonville_man_dies_while_hik.html

http://www.woodtv.com/dpp/news/local/ottawa_county/Hudsonville-hiker-dies-in-New-Hampshire

and many more

stop breaking into my car

3 years ago (when i lived in LA), my car was broken into. now, the same car was broken into in boston.

generally, i am very minimalistic -- or at least i like to think i am. i don't have much interest in material goods, other than my camera and a few lenses. for example, my cell phone is a $30 bestbuy phone w/ no camera, i don't buy expensive clothes, i only have 10 tv channels and an old-school tube television, and even my new computer was only $480. well, i guess all of this could simply suggests that i'm cheap, haha. well, i have the money to splurge on each of these categories, i just don't think it's worth it and don't care to, so i don't.

well, 10 years ago, while in high school, i was addicted to nice car audio, and it was my materialistic lust. (btw, i was into SQ, not SPL -- aka, sound quality, not loudness). i had a really nice sound system in my old lovely, ghetto '88 honda accord. it was probably worth more than the car. when i moved out to california for grad school, i bought my current non-special car. on my birthday, my parents shipped me 1 of my 2 old huge speakers, so i once again had a decent sound system. however, it was quickly stolen 2 months later. oh well, no biggie. i kind of out-grew the lust for high-quality car sound, just it was a nice treat.

during last christmas, i was home and noticed the other remaining old huge speakers sitting in my closet. so, i brought it back with me to boston. it made my 1.2 hour daily commute more enjoyable. however, 2 months later, i go deaf in left ear, so i can't listen to the sound system anymore. that's fine though, as i'm grateful for at least getting one last taste of high-quality sound while i still had hearing in both ears.

the system was pointlessly living in my occasionally-driven car until last night. someone broke the rear triangular window and stole the amp, my cheap after-market cd player, and my gps charger (i keep the gps in my apartment for this very situation). but what about the speaker?

well, several months ago, my trunk release cable broke. there's no way to open the trunk. the box enclosure for the speaker is so large that you can't pull it out from the trunk through the backseats, haha. the robbers were faced with this very dilemma. here they are presented with a $300 speaker, with a perfect hand-made box from my dad (who does wood working for a living), yet they can't take it out because it's 1/2 inch too big to slide out, haha. oh, plus it weighs 53 pounds, literally.

so what do they do? yep, stab it to death with a screwdriver -- clearly, the natural choice. how pathetic and weird of a choice, right? they couldn't have it, so they didn't want me to have it. what type of mentality is this? my friend mark compared it to setting one's car on fire if they couldn't steal it.

when it was broken into in LA, my car was parked in the apartment's key-access-required parking garage. here in boston, my car is parked in the most expensive neighborhood, and i'm sure my car is the crappiest of the nearby cars. so, i'm not sure what more i can do to make this not happen again. maybe if i just leave it w/o a cd player, or if i get a cassette player :-)

i don't drive too often; just on weekends for errands and occasionally road trips. in fact, i used to drive to work, but 2 months ago i started taking public transportation to work. so, i now do street parking and rent out my parking spot for $325/month. my having to replace the car window only adds to my considering selling the car and using a zipcar instead. there's a zipcar post just 1 street over from me.

Q: has anyone ever had their car broken into? or, has anyone used a zipcar before?

the death of my 10-yr old speaker.

weight lifting progress is ridiculously fleeting

note: if you're in a rush, only read the red text. that's why i made it red.

for the past 4 years, i've been trying to live healthily by eating decently and exercising regularly. i started weight lifting casually 12 years ago, but it was only during these last 4 years that i consistently went 4-5 times a week and tried to make it part of my lifestyle. notwithstanding, during the prior years i definitely had my share of roller coasters of going and not going, just like everyone else. with this, i've noticed how insanely quick muscles can deplete.

i once gym'ed consistently (4-5 times a week) for 2 years straight -- gladly gained about 12+ lbs -- then, after 8 weeks of not going to the gym, all progress completely disappeared and i also lost all 12 lbs.

i resumed gym'ing and went for 1.2 years. due to a weight lifting accident (see previous post), i had to take a break from gym for 8 weeks. once again, all progress was completely lost, and my body weight immediately dropped 12 lbs! :-( moreover, i could lift no more than what i started with before the 1.2 years. oh well, no biggie. my ear drum has re-sealed and is in place, so i've started back at the gym again.

in this writing, i aim to express:

1. healthiness is a lifestyle; whether if you care to be healthy or not, it's the long-term, holistic direction of one's habits that should be considered
2. yet, any muscle progress should be taken lightly. it's insanely fleeting, and not much stock should be put into it
3. don't feel bad if you don't look the way you want. physical appearance is somewhat of an indicator of how healthy one is, but it shouldn't be the primary focus.

disclaimer / why i work out:

before i go further, i must state that in no way am i trying to assert that i'm in great shape, or that i'm strong, or anything like that. at every single gym i've been to, there have been many people stronger than i. plus, i accept that i'll likely always be considered skinny and will weigh less than my recommended healthy body weight. although it's fun for me to see the slight progress that forms, my main joy in the weight room is from the mere pursuit of trying to out-do my former personal lifting records.

ever since i was little, i've had a strange obsession/joy from keeping track of trivial personal records. for example, i remember being 10 and keeping track of how many consecutive basketball lay-ups i could make without missing. even if the task at hand is completely menial and trivial, i've sometimes played this little game. when i was 9, my dad once brought home stilts from a yard sale. i pointlessly kept track of how many consecutive steps i could take on them before getting tired or falling. bizarre, i know.

1. demonstration of muscles quickly depleting:

high school days:

i casually worked out at times but never really had a routine and i didn't know much. i graduated high school at age 17, weighing a measly 130 and bench pressing only 185.

undergraduate days:

every summer i worked out 5 days a week for 12 weeks, but then would completely stop as soon as the school year started. i simply couldn't afford the time commitment. so, any progress i made would be completely gone within 2 months of school starting. that's fine though, cause i enjoyed working out, and i learned a lot. but, it's an odd and interesting situation to really commit yourself to something for 12 weeks even though you know ahead of time that you will not continue beyond week 12 and thus all of your work will be fleeting.

the explicit pics below depict the seemingly pointless game i played every summer.

junior year

age: 20, weight: 143:

that summer, after 12 weeks of gym. i got in decent shape.

age: 21, weight: 153:

2 months later (start of senior year), and woops, back to my old body and 3am studying until i fall asleep! all muscle and strength was gone.

age: 21, weight: 143:

this see-saw happened every summer for 4 years.

graduate school days:

before; completely out of shape. before i started to gym again.

age: 22, weight: 145

then, worked out for almost 2 years straight, starting 9 months before grad school started. i got in okay shape.

age 24, weight: 152:

i then took about 5 months off due to working on master's thesis and vacationing after graduation. so, once again, i completely lost all gains and was back to my old body. notice how i'm wearing the same shirt in this pic and the previous. in the previous, it fits snuggly. then, after no gym for a while, i lost 10 lbs and it's baggy on me.

age 25, weight: 142:

post graduate school:

i then started full-time work and figured i'd have no distractions to keep me from lifting.

after 1.2 years of gym'ing, i got in decent shape.

me awkwardly trying to document any progress i've made.

age 25, weight: 155:

(yes, i had on shorts in this picture.)

then, the weight lifting medical injury forced me to stop weight lifting.

so, after just 4 weeks of no gym, my body had already started to deplete;

age: 26, weight: 145

by week 7 of no gym, all 14 months of progress was gone, and i had lost 12 lbs;

age: 26, weight: 142

the doctors gave me the okay to return to the gym at week 8, and the amount i can now lift is remarkably low. specifically, i can lift no more than what i could before 14 months ago. it's as if the 14 months never happened. how crazy is that? based on atrophy and de-training statistics, it should take me roughly 3 to 6 months to get back my full strength, at best.

after 3 weeks of returning to the gym, i've slowly started to gain back some of the mass;

age: 26, weight: 151

think about it. is there any other area of our body that takes this long to strengthen yet depletes so fast? the brain is much better; it can learn things pretty quickly, takes a while to forget things, and it's really quick on re-learning.

2. healthiness is a lifestyle, not a binge activity:

weight lifting is just for fun, and i view it as just synthetic strength -- as opposed to real -- at best. it's not like the strength that comes from digging ditches and doing construction. plus, being healthy envelopes so much more. i don't claim to be too healthy, but i try:

• gym 4-5 times a week since january 2007*
• haven't had soda since early 2001
• never had coffee
• eat out/delivery only once every 2 weeks to 2 months, or sometimes less frequently
• rarely eat sweets (i.e., chocolate or ice cream maybe once a month, used to be far rarer)
• alcohol rarely more often than every 6 months, although wine a little more often
• fruits often, sometimes i mix 6+ fruits in a 1-liter smoothie on a daily basis
• eat 5-6 tiny meals per day:
  • 7:30 am = cereal + bagel + protein
  • 9 am = banana + yogurt
  • 11:30 am = lunch (i.e., pork chops, pasta, green beans)
  • 3 pm = lunch part II (leftover lunch or a sandwich)
  • 5-7 pm = gym supplements
  • 7:30 pm = dinner
  • 9:30 pm = something light (i.e., chicken nuggets, yogurt, cereal bar) + protein

actually, i don't eat many vegetables, so i guess i don't really eat too healthily. i also probably eat too many starches and carbs, and i drink too much milk.

my biggest hurdles for living healthily are:

• doing cardio
• eating vegetables
• sleeping more

Q: what is your hardest hurdle for living healthier?

permanently deaf in left ear -- the final update and full report

many of you have already heard the news that i'm permanently deaf in my left ear (most likely from weight lifting), but it seems many have not, for i'm asked daily from unaware friends. aside from 2 facebook statuses, this is my first update about it weeks. this will be my final report concerning this whole ear situation. this post is ridiculously long, but it's the end of the book. i won't bring any more attention to it. it aims to answer every question i've been asked. anyone who makes it through the whole post gets a cookie.

i really appreciate everyone's offered help, condolences, prayers, and inquiries during this ordeal.

the table of contents:

• (a) succinctly inform friends of my latest status/summary
• (b) share my thoughts about 'handicap'
• (c) complain about health insurance
• (d) epilogue:
• (d1) current day-to-day
• (d2) summary of all doctor visits, procedures, and diagnoses

---

(a) latest status/summary:

surgery went fine. ear still bleeding due to the surgery, but not too much pain or nausea. i'm fine :-)

• saw 6 mit/harvard doctors:
• condition: sudden sensorineural hearing loss (SSNHL)
• affects ~5 out of 100,000 people per year; average age: 43 - 53 yrs old
• roughly less than 2% chance of regaining hearing
• sorted likelihood of causes: weight lifting, virus, unknown other
• had 4 injections into ear drum over 2 week span
• had surgery to help w/ balance (lifted up ear drum, went behind it to patch skin onto oval/round window tears). general anesthesia is amaaazing.
• hearing tests:
• right ear has perfect hearing at 0 decibels.
• left ear can feel ear drum moving before i hear 80 decibel noises.
• when words play at the maximum volume, left ear hears them as forks scratching together at best. it's painful before i hear sounds.
• constant ringing/ocean noise may take 6 months to many years before i'm unaware of it

(b) sharing my thoughts about 'handicap'

permanence?

this experience has forced me to think about the concept of handicap and the idea of permanence, neither of which i've ever been able to fully imagine with any realness. combined together, now that's especially hard to pre-imagine. it might take me a while to fully grasp permanence, as nothing in my life has ever been permanent before. my choice of college, where to live, what career to pursue, etc. all of these choices can be as temporary as one wants.

okay, my situation isn't temporary. sure, it sucks that i can't fully hear and enjoy music like i used to, that loud social environments like restaurants are difficult and exacerbate the ear ringing, and that having conversations with people on my left is hard. but, i can't change that now, so

let's focus on the rest and try to measure what it really means.

what is a handicap?

i believe a handicap can be described as an impair of one's ability within a given domain. for example, think of golf. golf defines a label "handicap" to portray one's weakness/inability. it's not to say that the golfer can't play at all. he can. it's just a metric to suggest how difficult it is for the golfer, given his current skills.

the golfer gets better, his handicap lowers. a handicap is adjustable and is strictly defined by the actual difficulties encountered at the given task. once the golfer becomes perfect, his encountered difficulties approach 0, and he essentially has no handicap.

let's abstract the concept of handicap, while keeping its definition constant.

try to think of something that initially gave you difficulties, something at which you weren't initially great. for me, i started playing baseball when i was 7. initially, i wasn't good at fielding grounders. one could define this as a handicap; my inexperience with baseball was a handicap. but

over the years, i got good. by trial and error, i worked at the objective and i learned.

okay, that example still concerns a sport, so the analogy is clear. but i'm asserting that the definition still holds across all domains, whether is be painting, communicating, reading, or anything else; there's a gradient to assess one's inability/handicap in anything, and it -- either directly or indirectly -- can be improved over time.

well,

what about when people are placed into slightly more seemingly difficult, uncontrollable situations that yield handicaps? for example, what if one looks at one's genes or the family environment in which one is raised. that's a slightly less controllable thing, right?

my parents are amazing, and they did a great job of raising me. my eco-social environment/neighborhood could be viewed as limiting though. i was raised in a lower-middle income area. although i don't live in GA anymore, my parents still do. same place, and it's still home to me, ever since i was 4. that place has a lot of charm to it. it means the world to me, so this is not a diss. but, the neighborhood has some little childish gangs present, graffiti on the fences of several of the suburban houses on the street corners, and education is far from promoted.

for example, growing up, i didn't know what college was. i personally didn't know a single person who had gone; nobody amongst my parents, neighbors, extended family, friends of family, etc had gone. i love my uncles and aunts, and it's sad that many of them are essentially illiterate. some quit school in 3rd grade. the point is, talk of college didn't exist. when i was in 11th grade, i would often hear fellow students talking about college as if it's the default, next step... so i figured i should go. it seemed important.

i was never inundated with information or advice regarding education. i wasn't a great high school student either, merely an A/B student who barely graduated in the top 30% of my class. i didn't really have any lifelines for the college admission process. it's not my parent's fault, i mean, that whole domain was new to them too. i distinctly remember having 2 resources for applying to colleges:

• bought the princeton list of colleges from barnes and noble. looked through every page to find out which schools to apply to.
• heard of my high school's valedictorian getting rejected from some school named MIT but into harvard (i knew of
  harvard, but MIT was vaguely familiar to me.) this served as the upper-bound for my concept of education.

so, one could say i was pretty unprepared and that i had somewhat of a handicap compared to other kids who were entering post-high-school education. i realize many kids had it worse, yet many were better prepared than i, as they were

experienced with SAT prep classes, tutors, writing help, and advice from adults.

this seeming handicap was one where i could do little to affect my starting point, but i did everything i could to minimize and overcome any obstacles to get to where i wanted. honestly, i never viewed my lack of college preparation as any handicap or anything; i had what i had, and it was merely time to play the game with the cards at hand.

i never felt like i was at a disadvantage amongst my college peers. upon starting college, i quickly realized everyone came from different walks of life, was filled with different preparations, and was equipped with different intelligences. this was obvious. i knew it would do me little good to concern myself with what AP classes so-and-so took in high school. it didn't matter. getting wrapped up with others' handicaps or lack thereof would be completely silly, and it would do me no good towards doing well on my upcoming chemistry test. i focused on the positive, didn't worry about the stuff i couldn't control, and i did everything i could to help me reach my dreams via the pursuit of education.

so what's my point? my point is that our seeming handicaps are only handicaps if we let them be. i assert that our biggest handicaps are merely our self-imposed ones, ones that are merely the consequence of our lack of pro-activity towards actualizing what we want. it's way too easy to not do something. it's the default to not act. and it's this lack of actions, proactive measures, planning, and exploring that creates handicaps.

if we choose to be a victim to something, then sure, we will be, but that doesn't have to be the case. even in situations where it seems like something is physically impossible or out of our control, it doesn't have to be. for example, have you ever seen paralympians compete at the olympics? people who are physically "disabled" can run, swim, and outperform non-disabled humans beyond belief. what then is their handicap? in what way are they handicapped? it takes them longer to get dressed? enjoying a stroll through town is slightly more tedious? but what grand effect does that really amount to? not much at all. not only are they able to experience the full spectrum of worldly experiences, but they are able to exercise their so-called disabled limbs in a way to reach elevated states of experiences and elation far beyond what the average non-paralyzed humans will ever experience. imagine how good it feels for them to sprint, train for thousands of hours, compete, and win. a non-paralyzed couch potato will never know those feelings.

clearly it's not what you have, but what you choose to do with it. clearly there are always other routes, directions, and means to allow one to experience and reach whatever he wants.

in the grand scheme of things, my so-called handicap is nothing. sure, as i mentioned, it limits some social interactions and forces me to seek alternatives at times, such as positioning myself to the left to whomever i'm talking. the constant ringing is really annoying at times, and my balance system is not yet 100%. but that's it. if i think about the happiest moments or eras of my life, needing dual hearing was completely unnecessary for those moments to ensue. i still have every other physical and mental faculty in good shape. i have vision, perfect hearing in my right ear, smell, taste, and touch. i am well-equipped, and there's no reason for me to let my left-ear deafness negatively affect me in any way. anything to the contrary would be nothing short of silly and a sad, unnecessary sacrifice of potential.

(c) health insurance:

this post is becoming long enough, and i don't want to get started on how horrible the whole insurance bureaucracy along the way has been. basically, this ear experience has shown me a glimpse as to how horribly inefficient, moronic, and destructive healthcare is in america.

in one example, my primary care doctor (PCP) wrote a referral for me to see an MIT ENT specialist. earliest appointment was 3 weeks away. so, PCP also wrote me a referral to see a sooner Harvard MEEI ENT specialist, which the health insurance is refusing to pay for. this is ridiculous because my situation was time sensitive -- could not wait 3 weeks to see the MIT person -- and even when i did see the MIT person 3 weeks later, they immediately said

they have no clue about my case and that i did the right thing by seeing an MEEI ENT specialist earlier. so, despite all of the doctors' requests and confirmation of my doing the right thing, the silly insurance group is saying, 'nah, you should have done things in this orderly fashion... even though it makes no sense and is against what the doctors recommended.' haha, so messed up.

(d) epilogue:

(d1) day-to-day:

basically, it's like wearing noise-cancelling headphones only on 1 ear, while having to hear the vuvuzelas of the world cup... just the soccer game never ends. sometimes the vuvuzelas are distractingly loud, other times you can tune them out for about 10 minutes.

how deaf is deaf?

i've had two full-scope audiogram tests (aka hearing tests). my right is exceptionally good -- well above average. right ear can detect audio at 0 decibals, pretty much across the full, typical frequency range. my left ear can only begin to hear noises at 80-90 db, and when it does, it's distorted. this falls within the most severe category of hearing loss, called "profound" hearing loss. also, i'm not even testable on the word recognition test because when i finally do hear words at 90 db (instead of the normal 30 db volume), i don't hear words. instead, the words sound like forks scratching together. because the issues lie within the inner ear, or somewhere even before then, things like hearing aids and surgery cannot restore hearing.

ringing:

so, in short, i haven't had hearing in my left ear since june 4. the most annoying part is not only being able to hear nothing out of the left ear, but the constant loud ringing/ocean noise that is generated within the left's inner ear. every once in a while, a bus or subway train or something will make a noise loud enough for my left ear to relay the fork-scratching-together sound. that's not too much fun. in fact, i can feel my eardrum moving before i can hear anything. it's very weird. i'm getting better at blocking out the constant ringing, though. doctors say it may never go away, but that some people can get used to it after 1-20 years. i've found that when i'm thinking hard about something, i'm completely unaware of it. haha, so maybe this will encourage me to think deeply more often.

balance:

my balance is getting better, too, as i can do a quick walk and not really get jarred or dizzy. only turning the head in certain ways does it. well, sometimes i forget and i turn around quickly to look behind me. i almost fall over then, lol.

(d2) quick summary of everything that went down:

• june 3 - worked out hard in gym at night. ears got clogged, later ringing.
• june 4 @ 5am - woke up w/ "extreme vertigo"; vomited 30+ times. no hearing in left ear. went to harvard's MGH ER. stayed 36 hours.

doctor #1, diagnoses: probable labrynthitis, 100% chance of regaining hearing in a few days (wrong).

• june 8 - saw primary care doctor (PCP).

doctor #2, diagnoses: don't know, could be from weight lifting or viral. not too concerned about hearing. you should see an ENT specialist at MIT. (earliest appointment in 3 weeks).

• june 10 - MRI test. results good. no brain tumors.
• june 11 - started 10-day prescription of prednisone, to fight any possible viral damage.
• june 15 - went to Harvard's Mass. Eye and Ear Infirmary's ER (aka MEEI ER).

doctor #3, diagnoses: don't know, no way to tell. see a follow-up expert, Dr. Rauch, here in a few weeks. 0% chance of regaining hearing.

• june 20 - went to MEEI ENT doctor.

doctor #4, diagnosis: probably from weight lifting. 5-10% chance of regaining hearing?

• june 22 - went to the general MIT ENT.

doctor #5, diagnosis: no idea. less than 5% chance of regaining hearing

• june 25 - went to MEEI's expert Dr. Rauch. ear injection #1, high hopes of it doing any good.

doctor #6, diagnosis: maybe weight lifting, maybe viral, some chance that it's something more random. less than 5% chance of regaining hearing.

• june 29 - MEEI's Dr. Rauch. ear injection #2
• july 2 - MEEI's Dr. Rauch. ear injection #3
• july 6 - MEEI's Dr. Rauch. final ear injection #4
• july 7, my birthday - MEEI's Dr. Rauch. ear surgery, to patch any possible tears in my oval and round window. shouldn't have any effect on hearing.

in summary, the 2 most popular suspected causes are:

• (1) weight lifting:

if this is the cause, well, 1 or more of the following 3 things could have gone wrong:

(1) perilymph fistula (aka, tear in the oval and/or round window);

(2) tear in the membrane that has distinct sodium and potassium channels;

(3) blod clot

the body tries to repair itself if any of these happen, but there are no guarantees. further, when damage is done to the hair cells from the corti, then there's no going back. permanent damage is done. only (1) perilymph fistula has a surgical option, and that option can't really bring back hearing. rather, it patches any possible tears to prevent further hair cell damage and balance issues. there's no way to know if any of these 3 things occurred. well, at best you can observe if (1) perilymph fistula occurred by doing exploratory surgery. the others are not observable by any tools.

• (2) viral infection:

if this is the cause, the canonical, default treatment is prednisone to kill the virus, keep alive any semi-dead corti hair cells, and to alleviate inflammation. it only helps roughly 20% of people, but it's been the default treatment since a semi-good paper was published in 1980. alternatively, some docs give a different type of corticosteroid directly through the ear drum. same purpose, roughly same efficacy rate, but without the possibly crazy side-effects of prednisone entering the bloodstream.

i had both treatments. first prednisone, then later 4 ear injections.

regardless of if it's from weight lifting or a virus, it's likely that the damage is irreversible. nonetheless, i opted for the most pro-active steps and have done everything possible: i did both the surgery and the injections, in hopes of preventing any further damage to hair cells.

the end. if you made it all the way through, congrats. if you are later interested in hearing any possible updates or talking w/ me about any of this, that's fine. i'm open to that. i just meant that this writing is the last publicly broadcasted spiel that i'll write about it, and that i won't bring attention to it or whine about it anymore.